I can't believe that my first semester flew by so fast; back in September it felt like it would never end, and now I'm sitting here wondering where the time went. The fact that I finished the semester with relative success is a huge deal for me; I want to take some time to look back and share some of the things I've done and learned. Maybe one day I'll address my anxiety on a broader scale, but right now I want to focus on these past few months.
In August, about a week before I left Michigan, I posted a little blurb about my anxieties (you can read it here.) It was short and sweet, and pretty tame. What you don't know is that in reality, my emotions were not tame, at ALL. Moving to Florida is the biggest and scariest thing I have ever, ever done in my entire life, and I in no way felt ready. I'm a rather independent person; ask anyone who's known me since I was a kid. But all of a sudden, every ounce of independence in me shrank to the size of a pin head. All I wanted was to STAY HOME.
Regardless of all this, I willingly got on a plane and flew down to campus. I met my roommate (who is now one of my best friends) and went through orientation pretty painlessly. Then came my parent's last night in Florida. I said goodbye and went off to my activities with anxiety brewing thicker and deeper. An hour later, I snuck out of orientation to go see my parents again. The second I saw them I was in tears. We sat in the rental car for about an hour while I cried. I pretty much let out an entire summer's worth of anxiety and sludge. I was in hysterics, begging mom to take me home, telling her I couldn't handle this big of a step. Mom spoke a few encouraging words, but mainly she just let me cry.
Obviously I stayed at school, because otherwise I wouldn't be writing this. But the first month was some of the loneliest weeks of my life. I pretty much just existed; went to meals, went to classes, went to bed. Lots of crying myself to sleep, and lots of fears and doubts. Having my brother and countless other friends from home on campus was a huge blessing, but despite all of the support it provided, I still felt really really awful. That's really the only way to describe it; I hadn't been this deep in anxiety since middle school/the beginning of high school. The only real relief I got was from the sock hop dance that I went to with my roommate and a friend down the hall (as I said earlier, these two girls have become my closest sisters. What a blessing they are.) Even when I didn't seem anxious, I was. If any of my school friends are reading this, they're probably thinking "Whaaaat? But you seemed so calm?" Yep, I did seem cool on the outside. But the inside is a totally different story!
And then things started feeling better. I still didn't get out much, but at least I was happier. I did well in my classes, I had fun times with friends, and I learned to get out of my comfort zone a bit. Time has a funny way of fixing things up, even in seemingly unnoticeable ways, and making whatever it is just a little more bearable.
There was one point in the semester when I was hit with a huge thought. I was driving back to campus with friends, when I realized...a year ago, I didn't have my license, I was living at home, and I was missing out on countless opportunities, all because of fear. Yet here I am, living away from home, succeeding in my studies, driving on a crazy busy street-at night!! I started to think about how many years ago, in the thick of my anxiety, I told myself I'd never be able to go away to college. If only I could go back and tell my younger self about all the crazy adventures I was yet to have during my first semester. How amazing it would be if I could give her a hug and dry her tears. She has no clue how strong she is.
When I look at the challenges I'll face this coming semester (college algebra, I'm looking at you) and realize that despite these challenges, I'm *still* excited to go back...I realize how much has changed in me. I can honestly say I didn't do anything to exact this change in myself. It is all completely 100% Him. Christ came to me, through this beautiful struggle, and He helped me carry the weight until I was strong enough to take it on fully. Through this semester, He's shown me that I'm capable of anything, and I've learned what the true meaning of joy is. Of course, sometimes I start thinking about everything I *could* have done this semester, but that's just more lies.
This does *not* mean I've conquered all my fears, that I'm perpetually abiding in comfort and happiness, or anything like that. But it does mean that I have a renewed sense of hope for my future, and I wanted to share the lessons I've learned; I think everyone can apply them in one way or another. I'm looking forward to all the blessings to come. I've grown so incredibly in my faith, and I can't wait to see where it takes me.
Thanks for listening, friend :)
