Well, it's been a hot minute since I've done anything blog or social media related (with the exception of snapchat because addiction.) I feel the impulse to say sorry, but when you need a break, ya need a break, amirite? Especially when it's a mental health break. The Christmas season/end of the year/beginning of the year proved to be really challenging for me, and I was feeling mucho burnout. I decided to take a breath, let some things pass, and get settled in my new phase of life. But I'm back!
What have I been up to? A lot, and yet it feels like not much. I started school again, this time at Madonna University. It's about an hour commute from my house. Mr. Boyfriend offered to drive me the first day since his campus is only ten minutes down the road or so and now he drives me every day. whoops. It's kinda fun though so I'm definitely not complaining :) I have some really great classes, and so far I'm doing well. For the first time in my life I'm taking an art class! (Well actually I tried taking one back in middle school but I quit two weeks in because the other kids were awful and the teacher wasn't really doin' it for me. Fun fact: boyfriend was in that class way back when. Lolz.) Commuting vs. living on campus is a whole new world...not sure how I feel about it yet. Will report back. I also quit one of my two jobs just before Christmas, in order to make time for class, so I still never have any free time. But such is life. I've also been devoutly watching the best show currently on television, This Is Us. Pray for me.
SooOoo...In the interest of being raw and transparent, and not just showing the accomplished and exciting side of my life, I want to talk about my current, unending ride on the struggle bus. I practically drive the damn thing right now. Lately I've been feeling better, which I think is why I've finally decided to come back online, and why I'm able to talk about it now. That being said, I am still very much a passenger. I've talked in bits and pieces about my anxiety/mental health, and I plan on doing a big post all about that in the near future, because it's a huge part of my life and something I'm extremely passionate about. But in short, here's where I am:
These past few months I've been battling some really intense feelings of loneliness and doubt. I'm such a deep, intense, emotional person, that when I feel something, it's quite literally all or nothing. That makes the awesome times really super ridiculously awesome, but you guessed it...it also makes the awful times Really. Super. Ridiculously. Awful.
When I made my decision to leave Ave Maria, it was a long and agonizing process. You can ask my boyfriend; I obsessed over this decision for quote literally a year. I've talked about that before on the blog, so it's not a secret I've kept. In the end, I made my decision, and I felt peace. I knew how hard it would be. But yet I was extremely surprised by how painful it's been. My entire life, I have rarely felt true friendship. I’m an extremely sensitive and private person; I open up for no one. The friendship I experienced during my freshman year of college was unlike any other; it was a beautiful fruit born from all the anxiety, self doubt, and confusion of physically severing myself from my support system and moving halfway across the country. It meant (and still does mean) the world to me. Truly God’s blessing when I needed it most. Then I made the long and agonizing decision to chase the call that Christ has set on my heart for years, which led me back home to Michigan. Except I didn't return home whole; a piece of my heart is left in Florida.
Part of this is definitely due to seasonal depression; I mean come on, who isn't sad mid-January when the temperature is a pretty consistent cold and the sun has been hidden for months. So you can imagine how difficult it is to watch all your close friends hanging out together (without you) at the beach. It's hard to watch your friends go about their day together, when you're the only one NOT there. It's even harder when you're thrown back into your childhood dynamic as a pseudo-adult. You're trying to stretch out a little at a time but even that little bit seems like an impossible task. So then you kick yourself for "ruining" your chance at independence and happiness, even though it was a conscious choice on your part. It's really tough when you feel starved of personal growth and intentional friendship. Yes, I have my boyfriend, and he has been beyond amazing during my really bad days. He encourages me to get up and try hard every day, and he picks me up and dusts me off when I can't do it myself. But my relationship with him is not a substitute for sisterhood. I look through my photos from last year and remember the good times, totally forgetting how difficult it was for me to be away from Michigan. Rose colored glasses are somethin' Y'all. Now I realize that just because you aren't "geographically desirable" doesn't mean you have to throw away the entire friendship. But long distance anything is hard. After a year of long distance with Michael, I would know. That's when the anxiety kicks in; Do they want to talk to me? Do they have time? Do they even still care? Honestly, one of the things I create best is self doubt. Feeling like you're eternally carrying around a heavy heart is really not a fun place to be. 1/10 would not recommend.
This is NOT a pity party. This is NOT to make anyone in my life feel guilty. This is me bearing a little bit of my heart, because everybody struggles and my life is far from perfect. I just want this to continue to be a space where I can express myself and help others, and I think talking about my feelings and mental health can achieve those hopes.
I would usually end this with a happy resolution but let's be real, I'm still very much going through this. So instead I'll wrap it up with this: each morning we are made new in Him, bringing fresh hope and heaps of grace. Say some prayers for me. And maybe send some Taco Bell.
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