You're probably thinking "What does a bishop and a Disney (princess? is Moana considered a princess? let me know.) movie have to do with following God's plan?" Well as I was contemplating these seemingly unconnected events this past summer, I realized a number of things. Firstly has to do with my seriously bad habit of FOMO and the other has to do with my weak confidence level.
Firstly, FOMO. Ever since entering a high intensity academic program at age 11 and skipping a grade to do so, I have been obsessed with being on the same page as my peers. I honestly don't remember a time when I wasn't concerned with what the rest of my class was doing. Now, I'm not hinting at peer pressure. Nobody was smoking or inviting a bunch of friends over to party while they're parents were out. But when 99% of my class was packing up and leaving for college the summer after high school, and my parents weren't letting me do the same, my anxiety skyrocketed. All I could think was "I'm falling behind...and I. Can't. Fall. Behind." As if "falling behind" was the zombie apocalypse or cancer or something.
I look back and I can see God's hand in every event that year, working double time to create the life I have now. That fall, while everyone was off at school, I started dating my now boyfriend of almost two years (turns out he's pretty much the only one who has stood beside me 100% during the difficult school decisions I've had to make as of late.) During those two years, I have learned more about myself, Christ, and humans as a whole than I have in the previous 17 years of my life. Then the following Fall, when I did finally go off to college, I was paired up with the most amazing roommate, and was introduced to some of the most amazing people I've ever had the pleasure to meet. I proved to myself that I CAN do a lot of things that previously would've sent me into a tailspin of worry and doubt. I learned and grew so much over that school year, and there's no telling how different my life would be if it hadn't happened exactly as it has up until now.
Once I got adjusted to my new life, I felt good at school. I was growing in friendship and faith, I was doing well in my classes, and I was independent, but with training wheels (which is totally fine by me, haha.) Here I was, living 1400 miles away and conquering my biggest fears, and yet deep down I knew something wasn't right. I felt good, but I didn't feel great. Something was missing. All school year I did the mental tango with these feelings. Then halfway through spring semester, I was hit with housing contracts and class schedules for the Fall, and all I wanted to do was pump the brakes! In March I discussed the idea of not returning to Florida with Mr. Boyfriend. He agreed that I should continue to pray and think about coming home for school.
Back in May, literally a week after coming home for the Summer, my sister made her Confirmation. Before the mass began, the Bishop came in to greet the students and give them a little pep talk. He told the kids that God has a unique mission for each of them, and if they don't step up to the challenge, then there is no one who can or will take their place, and that mission simply "Won't get done." Bishop Earl's words really resonated with me and my current struggles. I'm trying to figure out this college thing, follow my heart, do God's will, maintain a practical frame of mind, all while fighting my human concupiscence and stubborn attitude? Lol. Nice one, God. But I'm gonna need some help here.
Part II. Mom bought Moana on DVD and as of early Summer, I still hadn't seen it yet, so I sat down and gave it a go. As I watched the movie, I couldn't stop thinking about the Christian messages it holds. Moana has a very special, very beautiful gift, and along with this gift, a mission to serve her people that only she can complete. Along the way she encounters countless people, some of which she loves dearly, telling her she isn't capable, or that she shouldn't do it. At one point, she even feels such discouragement that she angrily yells at and begs the gods to pick someone else for the task. I mean come on...who does that sound like? The answer is all of us, and especially me.
But without a doubt, the best part of the story (and it never ceases to make me cry) is when she's thrown an enormous curveball and realizes that her task is bigger and more daunting then she ever could have imagined. Any ol' person would turn around and run for the HILLS. But instead, we see Moana turn towards the challenge and embrace it, without the slightest bit of fear or trepidation in her body. She knows who she is, what she is capable of, and she goes for it. Reminds me of this super cool lady named Joan, who fought against all odds for her country, and famously said "I am not afraid, I was born to do this." Holy freakin' cow. Disney's done it again.
As if that wasn't enough, I had two prospective college students ask me for advice on choosing a school. And the real kicker: One of them is unsure about choosing Ave because they don't have her intended major. If that's not a poke in the back from God, then we can all just go home!
Maybe I'm crazy, and I'm desperately searching for meaning in events that are otherwise completely ordinary. I tend to do that a lot (but then, with the awesome God we have, what does ordinary even mean?) Or maybe God's showing me how He likes to be heard...my experience with the Lord has been that He is not always direct. He is not always crystal clear. Sometimes it seems like He is not even there at all. When you pray for patience, God doesn't just wave his magic want and endow you with patience; He gives you many opportunities to practice it. He 100% makes us work for things, because there is such beauty and merit to be found in work. Nothing worth having comes free. Nothing worth having or doing is easy. And finding a career that is both practical and part of your God-given mission is worth doing!
That being said, I've made my decision to transfer out of Ave Maria. Let me tell you, friends, It was difficult. I am a very emotional, sentimental person. I know the next few weeks will be heartbreaking, as I watch my friends return to school without me. I start to feel that FOMO again....my year at Ave was simply beautiful. It was a struggle, and it was every bit worth it. But in the end, I left feeling like something was missing, and I decided I just can't live like that. I weighed every possible option, tried looking from different perspectives, but at the end of the day, thinking about returning filled me with immense anxiety. Because of how long I took to think things through, I missed a lot of opportunities, and I decided it would be best not to rush anyway. So, this fall I'll be continuing my various Summer jobs, tying up loose ends, and prepping for my transfer in the Spring. Lordy do I wish I was getting back in the classroom in a couple weeks...working just about full time is not exactly fun, haha! But I can't tell you how excited I get when I think about studying in a field that I love. A field that makes me feel as if I have purpose, that will hopefully allow me to share my heart and talents with others. That's all I really want to do in life...share my heart with others in the hopes that through me they may appreciate the beauty of life, creation, and The Lord.
Pray for me, friends. This girl is gonna need a crap ton of em if she's gonna be like Moana.
until next time. xox
